Wednesday, November 25, 2009

MOVIE: Against The Dark


Once, when I was a young cook in a seafood restaurant, I spilled four hundred degree cooking oil all over my right foot. The dead flesh came off in ribbons. Which nurses has to briskly scrub it off, without any form of painkillers, until only healthy flesh remained.

Watching Steven Seagal's Against The Dark was even more painful than having my skin boiled off. I'll continue to carry scars for years from both wounds.

The movie is about a couple of black-garbed hunters (led by a bad-philosophy-rambling Seagal) that prance around boldly killing pseudo-zombies while angst-ridden teen survives struggle to survive the unexplained outbreak that has befallen their city.

The plot was ungodly trite, lacking anything even remotely original. The writing would have to aspire to be amateurish. Dialog and acting took turns proving which could be more juvenile, mediocre, and disappointing. Even the fight scenes were laughably pathetic. By laughing I mean, "It is funny that anything can be this craptacular and still be taken seriously by anyone involved in its production or release."

I could only stomach fourteen minutes of it before uncontrolled palsy-like shaking affected my hands and blue spots appeared in my peripheral vision.

I'm sad to say there are no redeeming features about Against The Dark. The fact that somebody took the time and spent money to create this mongrel turd of a movie speaks volumes about the state of Hollywood. Fortunately, it appears to have been a direct-to-DVD production and no theaters had to be sanitized after showing it. Unfortunately Blockbuster has a couple of copies stinking up its shelves. I've petitioned them to send all copies to Gitmo, to replace waterboarding.
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