Wednesday, June 27, 2007

10 Things I Don't Want To Hear About Benoit

  1. I don't want to hear any tributes to Benoit: The man killed his wife. The man killed his son. Anyone gonna give OJ Simpson a tribute when he dies?

  2. I don't want to hear about the steroids: Does anybody possibly think they are telling me something new by mentioning this muscled-up tree stump of a man and steroids in the same sentence? Come on! The guy was 5'10", 40yrs old, and 235 pounds of pure muscle. It is a given that he was slamming the juice on an hourly basis. I would actually be surprised if they found more blood in his system and LESS STEROIDS!

  3. I don't want to hear about 'roid rage: Can I talk about the man's profession for a moment? He made a living beating the brains out other full grown men. He was a full time brawler. His to do list at work included: "punch my opponent in the mouth, kick my opponent in the teeth, choke my opponent until loss of blood to the brain causes him to lose consciousness, and don't forget to slice my forehead open with a concealed razor blade so we can add some exciting blood to the scene."Violence was this man's job! Of course he committed heinous acts of carnage against his family. He's been getting PAID TO DO IT to everyone else for decades!

  4. I don't want to hear about his nicknames: I should be shocked that he was called, "The Crippler" and "the Rabid Wolverine?" Wrestlers don't have peaceful, thought provoking names, like "The Nietzsche Fanatic," or "Mr. Primrose." Their names evoke fear and awe. Sure, sure. It is sooo easy to link his nickname to the crimes he committed. However if he had died of a heart attack or fell to his death, nobody would have made any such connection.

  5. I don't want to hear about his son's disabilities: I know many parents whose children have disabilities. None of them would ever kill their child as a result. To even suggest such a link is an insult to parents of disabled children everywhere who struggle day after day to provide a good life for their children, even in the face of severe adversity.

  6. I don't want to hear about his wife's claims that he was violent: If the man was violent, she should have left him. End of story.

  7. I don't want to hear anything other wrestlers say about Benoit's work ethic: See #1. I don't care if he was the Patron Saint Of Work Ethic. The man murdered two innocent human beings. All the other wrestles that ever came into contact with him should have made formed a long angry line and took turns pissing on pictures of him.

  8. I don't want to hear anything Vince McMahon says about the issue: Vince is going to do anything and everything to spin this into an increased profit margin or diminish the loss on the company's stock price. If Vince isn't in the line of people waiting to make water on The Snaggle-Toothed Wolverine's picture, then he should keep his trap shut.

  9. I don't want to hear what Linda McMahon says about the issue: Could ANYTHING she have to say be relevant? See #8, it is just a marketing ploy to stop the deluge of negative press the WWE is receiving. Shut up, Linda, and make me a margarita.

  10. I don't want to hear anything from Canada: Oh! NOW they're silent. Yesterday it was, "See how much Mike Moore likes us, eh? We got us some good healthcare, eh? That's what we're aboot." As long as Canada keeps its trap shut, nobody else gets hurt.
Here is my press coverage of the event: Coward and former pro-wrestler Chris Benoit took the life of his innocent wife and son shortly before taking his own. The WWE condemned the actions of their former employee. Benoit's family condemned the actions of their former son. Lucifer was quoted as saying, "I have a nice eternity of painful monkey-wrench-style sodomy and constant agonizing evisceration waiting for Mr. Benoit, once we've completed his paperwork and he's made it through customs."
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