Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Bring fresh pants

So GlaxoSmithKline released a new cure for something we don't really need cured. Oprah and her raving horde of sheeple are going to have it flying off the shelves shortly. A new drug called: Alli. It is supposedly yadda yadda the first over-the-counter diet pill yadda yadda approved after years of study yadda yadda by the FDA. Insert the rest of your typical brainwashing about how this pill is what you need to fix all your problems and you really need this thing to put you on par with the rest of the civilized world because you're rapidly losing ground and it will get much worse for you if you don't get a mouth full RIIIIIIIGHT NOW!

Couple of things I'd like to point out:
1: These days you can't even trust over-the-counter TOOTHPASTE in this country. Yet we should trust some new wonderpill that is supposed to make you into a less-orphan-owning, non-depressed-because-of-your-abusive-Pappy, less-rich, far-less tattooed version of Angelina Joli? 2:One of the known (note: KNOWN!) side effects is *drumroll* anal leakage.
3:It isn't a weight loss pill. It is a fat-blocking pill. Supposedly, it prevents your body from absorbing a certain amount of fat.
4:Did I mention anal leakage?
5:You could save time and money by just NOT INGESTING FATTY FOODS, rather than trying to block the fat. But here in the Land of the Free and the Home Of The Obese, it is far easier to just avoid a low-fat, reduced calorie diet and skip exercise than it is to pop a pill.
6:Two words: ANAL LEAKAGE!

Am I the only one who remembers Vioxx? (The FDA approved that.) How about Colchicine? (FDA approved.) The animal drug ProHeart? (Again, FDA approved.) And need I mention the rise and fall of "Fen-Phen" (Phentermine) that left its producer about $2.35B (billion!) lighter after the lawsuits? So I hope you'll forgive my lack of enthusiasm whenever something is said to be "FDA approved."
It might as well say, "Idiot Approved, For Idiots, By Idiots."

So, who wins here? The fast food industry wins, because consumers are free to continue the habits that have made them fat in the first place. The Big Pharma industry wins because they can convince some significant percentage of the population that a pill will fix all their woes. And the pants industry wins because people will be uncontrollably drowning their pants in microsquirts since their stomachs aren't absorbing all the fat from their scattered covered and smothered triple crabby patties.

My advice? Reduce your own fat intake. Reduce your caloric intake. And exercise. Take the money you WOULD have spent on Alli and pants, and buy yourself a membership to a gym. You and your anus will thank me. I promise.

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