Thursday, April 02, 2009

MOVIE: Big Nothing

If Big Nothing was on the big screen back in 2006, it didn't make a big splash. Unfortunately, I don't remember who suggested that I watch this flick. I owe that person an ass whooping, whomever it was.

Big Nothing stars David Schwimmer as a frustrated, unemployed teacher joining forces with a scammer (Simon Pegg) and his girlfriend (Alice Eve) in a blackmailing scheme. All manner of unbelieveable happenstance explode inside the plot every few minutes. Supposedly comedic twists and thematic flip flops.

But I didn't dig it. It was like Friends had a bastard love child with Pulp Fiction and the offspring was only seen on a Saturday morning live action kid show, but with violence and profanity. I think perhaps the writers took the worst elements from a bunch of other failed movies, stirred them together in a pot, boiled off the few remaining decent elements, and snorted the thick pasty remains. The rancidm undigestable creation they vommited up after the nose candy co-mingled with their bad-Indian-food-lunch was put on film and labeled: Big Nothing.

Maybe I would have liked it when I was 12. (Back then I thought that Scooby Doo was high drama.) Maybe there are some baked. stoners chicks (or confused stoner dudes) walking Blockbuster and they happen to have a crush on Schwimmer enough to rent this flick. I dunno. It could happen. But otherwise, I am not sure who would like this movie. It certainly wasn't me.

I to bathe after watching it. It felt like I had pissed all over myself whiling rolling around on the floor of a Mexican slaugher house for the entire show. It was just that vile. It took two showers to get the stink off of me.

If I ever come across the writer or director, I'm going to paint an American flag on them and mail them to Iran.
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