Perspectives

Constantly spinning between perspectives as people move through my life. Each in their own gyre. Accelerating or slowing, To their own internal soundtrack. 

A vendor took us to lunch yesterday. Six months ago she was hit, and very nearly killed, by a car while casually bicycling through her neighborhood. Barely remembers the two weeks after that. Especially the time in the ICU. Has a list of multiple surgeries to schedule, when possible, in her immediate future. Including partial facial reconstruction. And she walks only thanks to the support of crutches. On the other hand, she doesn't want to talk about all her woes, she wants to hear my plans for the coming triathlon season. While my internal dialog is conflicted about mentioning my complete hatred of running because she isn't able to get around without any mechanical support. Just walking upright, unassisted, is her next milestone. But Your Humble Narrator laments not being ready for the Rock N Roll Marathon in New Orleans in a couple of weeks. 

A friend further north lives paycheck to paycheck. In a hotel. For a year. With two kids. Subsisting on Ramen & Bunny Bread. While an absentee-spouse spends every available penny on Oxy. Mid-life. Nearly rock bottom. No Christmas. No holidays. Too scared of the other hotel guests to let the kids do anything other than play a dying X-box or watch TV behind constantly locked doors. But it's a hassle that my weekends are entirely booked through May and the biggest challenge ahead is deciding which condo to rent at the next big race. 

Another friend rebuilding a personal life, again. Had previously tried to get into triathlons. One successful race. Then the world went sideways.Unexpected ailment after ailment. Some minor. Some not. Some still not resolved. Compounded by a mis-represented inter-personal relationship that took a lot of time and effort to go nowhere. How do you pour all your heart and energy and hope into somebody, just to turn around and be forced to create a peaceful way to watch it all get flushed into oblivion? Starting all that over. Maybe the third time in two years. With uncertainty looming behind every one of the many blind curves ahead. Wanting help. Not wanting to ask for it. Fear of rejection. Or yet another loss if you let somebody else get close. 

And one more. This time somebody pretty close. I train with them as much as possible. Draw strength and inspiration and motivation. Gets bad news about a recent pain that isn't as simple or easily corrected as everyone hoped. Maybe it won't be career ending. But it could be. Talking about somebody who ate, drank, slept, and breathed fitness. A self-made person. Little, if any, outside support. Few, if any, family nearby. A fragile, if not irreparable, relationship that rarely, if ever, gets discussed because of the gut-wrenching implications. And several long term plans that may or may not get completely erased, based on the outcome of a recovery program which has no certainty of success. 

Puts my life into a different perspective. A very thankful and appreciative perspective.

Doing Laps

The pool at eFitness has been informally closed for a couple of weeks. Informally meaning that  the heater was broken and the temperature dropped south of 68 degrees but they still kept it open so nobody would request refunds. When they did finally fix it, a plague before your Humble Narrator. So tonight was my first swim of the New Year.

After maybe ten clumsy, half-flailing laps, my chest managed to dislodge the final lung goblins which had been clinging inside me for several hundred meters. Then the old familiar rhythm: reach, pull, breath. Focus on covering space. Minimize drag. Steam streamlined. Reach, pull, breath. Don't lose count. Reach, pull, breath. Twist. Sight. Reach, pull, breath. Crap, I may have lost count. Reach, pull, breath.

And somewhere close to 1800 meters was covered in that fashion.

A fine return and a good sign of things to come. A mile without difficulty. And 21 weeks to go before my next 70.3. Another minor victory.

Not Smart

Doing Crossfit with a diminished lung capacity was not smart. Felt nearly recovered. At first. But just starting the warm-up routine was taxing. Did a couple of snatches. Worked on my form. Then went on a express elevator to the pain cave. 22 wall balls (started with 20# and went down to 14#.) 16 burpees. 10 one-handed kettlebell clean & press. Rinse and repeat. Five times. End of the third round: couldn't catch my breath. End of the forth: sweating non-stop. End of the fifth and final round: half a gasp from puking. Actually walked outside, just in case, arms above my head. Praying nobody saw or heard anything.

Wanted to stop after three rounds. Just tap out and admit defeat. Didn't. Fought through it. Without puking, crying, or dying. One minor victory. More to come. Many more.

Recovery

Whatever assaulted Your Humble Narrator was a devious beast. No clue what it was. Where it came from. But it appears to be on the retreat.Far less coughing. No chills. Minimal sinus issues. Mostly lingering pain in the major muscle groups. Back. Calves. Thighs.

Forty eight hours to fight it off. Without prescription meds. Only sacrificed the bulk of a weekend to it. Still managed to catch a movie and spend time with the kids.

And Monday draws close. The dragons array themselves on battle lines. Motioning me to come forth. Once again.

All Geeked Up

Finally wrestled with my lone XMas present: hard drives! OCZ Vertex 4 solid state drive for the Operating System, and a Western Digital 2TB Black drive for everything else. (Quite an upgrade from the petite 250Gb drive originally in the box!)

Installed the little drive. Cloned the old C: drive onto it. Rebooted. OS came up clean on the new drive. Installed the second drive. Re-slaved the original. (Can't just waste that space...) Cleaned up dust bunnies. Re-routed cables. And thanked my dark computer gods that nothing died or fried and nobody cried.

Speaking of crying, still feel TERRIBLE.  Definitely fighting off a major bug. But at least I was still able to get all geeked up.

Under Assault

After work, just over 24hrs ago, it was Kettlebell Swings, Box Jumps, and Knees To Elbows. By eight o'clock something foul took up residence in my belly. (New Year's Ham, Greg says!) And by eleven o'clock  a torrent of ichor was flowing into my lung. Your Wayward Narrator was fully under assault!

Barely crawled out of bed. Moving like a frozen corpse. Late to the office. Hurting in my joints. And my chest. And my face. No fever, thankfully. Local Doc In A Box doesn't carry flu tests. But the NP suggested a couple of OTC concoctions to try.

All amped up to begin training in earnest, then ten thousand angry bees take up residence in my sinuses. Praying for sleep. Praying for relief. In 2014.

Great Grandma

Looking back, one of the worst parts of 2013 was the rapid decline of Great Grandma. (Who is actually my Grandmother, but my kids call her Great Gradma and my niece Morgan calls her G.G.)

A bad combination of medications gave her bleeding ulcers. The blood loss made her weak. The weakness put her in the hospital in September and didn't get out until late November, or even early December. . And she spiraled almost out of control, briefly landing in the ICU with severe pneumonia. For a few weeks she was in rehab to regain her strength. Then back into the hospital. Then rehab again. And finally, after six or eight weeks, back home. 

But she's frail on the best of days. Easily fatigued due to several heart conditions. And her short term memory is shot. 

My mother pretty much spent four or six straight days trying to watch over Great Grandma. But couldn't do it alone. An around the clock effort was too much work. And neither of Mom's siblings would contribute enough of their time to make a difference. And ultimately they decided to put Great Grandma in a local assisted living facility.

Great Grandma has always been in my life. We were pretty much raised by my grandparents. She has always been strong. Always been supportive. There for any of us when we needed her. 

Not used to seeing her so weak. Or forgetful. My stomach rolls at the thought of her alone, in some foreign facility. How often does she come out of her fog and wonder, "Where am I?" How often is she lonely? Or afraid? Not sure when, if ever, such notions will sit well in my head. But they have to be accepted. The outcome isn't optional. Or avoidable. 

In the meanwhile, I see her on the weekends. Tell her that I love her. Hold her hand. Remember all the wonderful years I had with her. 

I hope we can somehow make her remaining days as happy as she made us.

Bye Bye 2013

Two major victories in 2013: Cindy graduated with Nurse Practitioner degree, and Jon finished his first 70.3 Ironman.

Hopefully we can build from there, in 2014.

Better

Rested instead of running. Instead of drinking. Tall pints of icy adult beverages calling. Thunderstorms rolling behind my eyes. Uninspired at work. Uninspired at play. Restless. Anxious.  Want something, but no idea what. Just something else. At least the aches from Crossfit are better. Measuring my life through a series of small victories.

Ugh

May have over-done it, tonight. The over-head squats didn't feel right. Then the run felt wrong. Now, several hours later, I'm feeling an old wound (that kept me out of River Roux) threaten to flair up again. Scalding shower. Ibuprofen. Some extra rest. Hoping it fends off any potential damage. Otherwise I'll be sidelined for two weeks. Leaving only six weeks before the Long Beach Half Marathon. Ugh!

Out And About

Sunday.Again. Weekend never long enough. Ever. Almost always regret not doing enough On one level or another. Need at least three days in order to unwind and get organized. But that rarely happens.

Was supposed to see Thor, with Liam. If you can imagine, he wouldn't get off the computer in time, couldn't find his glasses, and we had to skip it. Rolled to Nana's, instead. Helped Dad tweak his new PC. Went and picked up Grandma. Hung out with her and Nana and the dogs for a while. If she were not physically weak, G'Ma would be fine. Her grip strength is still there. He wits ares still there. She's very cognizant and mentally alert. But her body continues to wind down, despite the strength of her spirit.

After some time with them, went to pick up Meg from Uncle D's house. She & Alex had spent the afternoon decorating the driveway with My Little Ponies and decorations.Great work by both girls who never cease to amaze us with their creativity, beauty, and awesomeness. If only they'd stay 11 forever!

Lots Of Meh

Spent the majority of today thinking about food, shopping for food, or preparing food. But in the end it wasn't worth my time, effort, or money. And it was all my fault.

Started with the collards from Thursday's Biloxi Farmer's Market. Couldn't get them tender enough. Couldn't cook out enough of the bitterness. Couldn't get any flavor into them. Nothing worse than an unfulfilled craving despite efforts to fill it!

Second fail was the Paleo Chicken Francese. Made it before. Was much better. Burned it this time. The crust was too thick and not very tasty. But it was very disappointing. And yet another unfulfilled craving at the expense of significant effort.

Zucchini & squash noodles are easy. Actually managed to get them right. But they're hard to get wrong. A minor success but the cheapest and easiest creation in the meal.

Only other dish that worked was a break from my Paleo regimen: mac n cheese! But it was only a limited success. Tried a country recipe with some surprising ingredients including dry mustard, sour cream, and worcestershire sauce. But it wasn't decadent or breath taking. And while it didn't get thrown out, it didn't live up to expectations nor was it worth the cards.

Better luck next time, Caveman. You cannot win 'em all.

Day 15 & Crossfit

NoShaveVember. Let it grow! Day 15. Haven't shaved this month. And it is starting to get scratchtastic. Not too bad if you don't mind looking like a nerdy 1970s G.I. Joe action figure, without the muscles or kung fu grip. But Decemeber can't come soon enough.

Hit up Crossfit after work. One of the things that keeps me motivated is thinking, "That's impossible!" then doing it!

Case in point: hand stand pushups. Never done a single one in my life. But did more than thirty of them tonight! The actual meat of the workout included five rounds of this:

• 5 Hand stand pushups
• 12 alternating kettlebell swings
• 12 butterfly situps
• 60 single unders on the jump rope

Nobody else was able to do all of the hand stands. (Probably did 15 just warming up!) And went home feeling fantastic. Though the "butterfly" situps were brutal and (for some unknown reason) my rounds included 15 of them, instead of just twelve. Gonna be sore tomorrow. Looking forward to it.

It Is No Accident

"It is no accident that you
found this note.

This is to remind you that
God loves you.

He wants to be your Savior.
If he is not read Romans 10:13.

Have a good day."

After a long, entertaining adventure in Bay St Louis, this note found me in a gas station restroom.

My first Icy Pints event. Mockingbird Cafe. Jaci asked me to join them. Running through unfamiliar territory. Pacing Cheri. Peggy. Dark, unlit streets. Decent breeze on the beach leg. Girls tricked me, though. Only did 2 miles. Good pace. Just short.

Couple of beers later, we're splitting burgers and the ASPCA girls stop handing out their fliers and decide to hang with us. So many conversations melding across half a dozen people. Dogs and running and more food and veggie burger and that girl's name is Megan while my daughter's name is Meg and we should all do NOLA but still haven't found a room for Seaside and the band is playing her favorite song and WHOOP WHOOP and put away the trash and out of the damn blue, "Jaci lost her keys." Which resulted in an unproductive hour-long manhunt for keys. Her frantically texting people who had left. We're combing the parking lot. She's calling her estranged-husband who is watching their kids. We're searching everyone's table and pockets and tailgates. She's crying. Her coworkers still looking. Cheri ordering another round. Peggy trying to call her down. And I get on the phone with Charles, "I'll take her home, Charles. I have to leave. Please, you stay home with the kids, I'll drop her off. It is on my way." What's he going to do, decline? So she cries her way to my car, leaving hers behind. We navigate back to her house, not too west of mine, talking about work and training and plans and woes and getting too old too fast in this sad crazy world where we discover ourselves too too late.

Then Jaci is gone. Just me. And the moon. And a nearly empty gas tank. Fortunately there is a station. With a clean restroom for my surprisingly full bladder. And it is no accident that I find that note. God loves me. And I love God, back.

Days To Recover

Aside from a complete inability to lift my arms, due to overwhelming soreness, Saturday turned out to be quite an adventure.

Started with a prolonged trip to Long Beach. Neg & Molly in town. Pictures of that girl NEVER do her hair any justice. It's the most beautiful shade of red I've ever seen in person. If there were such a thing as a hair model, she's be a world-traveling fashionista as hers is without equal. If only in my eyes:?

First stop, the Farmer's Market. Picked up some grass fed pot roast, local sweet potatoes, milk, butter, a homemade soda (CHEATDAY!) and some hand-made hot tamales (for Mom.)

Next leg of the show? Best Buy. Pick up a replacement computer and speakers for Dad. Little Dell unit. And Logitech audio. And (shudder) Walmart for sundries that I couldn't find at the Farmer's Market. Carrots, garlic, beef broth, an onion, and ibuprofen. Unfortunately Dad's new computer had a VDI port for video and he was using a DVI cable for the old one. Didn't have a replacement cable or an adapter, so it is off to a different Walmart (sigh) in Pass Christian. After that, setup was quick and easy. Had Dad online again within an hour. Hopefully Mom won't crap this one up with spy/spam/malware. Though she is quite gifted at it.

Concluded the day by prep'ing my veggies for some Crock Pot, Pot Roast tomorrow, then watching UFC. Though just moving and cutting everything was a challenge. Terrrrrribly sore from Crossfit yesterday. Definitely need two days to recover. Maybe even three.

Fit On Friday

Fought off the funk in less than 24 hours! Just in time to return to the gym for my toughest workout to date.

Started with 500m of rowing. (First time I've ever rowed in my life.) Then some running drills (high knees, buttkickers, side runs.) And finally some hamstring and shoulder stretches.

Got the blood flowing with "back squats." 5 sets of 3 reps. 75lbs. 95lbs. 115lbs. 135lbs. And 135lbs. (More PRs for me.)

Then the rough stuff. Sprints and kettlebell swings. And these are FULL swings. All the way up, elbows by the ears.

200m sprint + 50 swings
400m sprint + 40 swings
600m sprint + 30 swings
800m sprint + 20 swings

I finished in second (out of four guys) in 21:15. First place was 21:14. Beat by one swing. Because I took too long recovering from the long run.

Gonna sleep well tonight!

From Grim To Sick

Mood improves and health takes a bad turn. Fighting off some kind of cold. Usual symptoms: sore throat, sneezing excessively, and elevated temperature. Wanted to stay in bed. Sleep until noon. Avoid daylight and duties. But that ain't happening. Work and woes, my best friends. Neither fever nor snot can keep them at bay. Hopefully (HOPEFULLY!) Your Humble Narrator can pull through quickly. Usually do. Benefits of being healthy. Or as healthy as a full time, middle-aged computer dork can be.

A Smidge Better

Second week of Crossfit. Getting cleaner on the power lifting techniques. Good run to start things off. And my mood is better. A smidge better.

Today's Workout Of the Day (WOD) concluded with: 12 Shoulder To Overheads (getting the weight from your shoulders, up over your head, anyway you can) then 9 box dips, and finally 6 wall ball squats. Five sets of those, as quickly as possible. I came in third: 9:54.

Not bad for an old geek. Especially such a newbie to Crossfit.

A Dark Tuesday

Maybe the change of weather. Maybe the time shifting. Maybe the lack of sunlight. Maybe the lack of any serious goals. Don't effing know what has taken hold. But I'm a mental train wreck.

No desire or drive. Completely NOT in the mood to train. Only in the mood to drink large volumes of adult beverages. Which I don't do. So I'm constantly craving it. Not sure what I'm going to do. Or what I really CAN do. Other than push through and force myself to resume training. Nothing else is remotely acceptable.

On top of my dark mood, I think I blew an audition for a talent show at work. Tried something new: stand up comedy. Didn't feel right. My timing wasn't right. And I blanked out one of the bits. Even if I did pass the audition, I'll probably bow out. I was only standing in front of a couple of judges doing my thing. What happens when I'm live in front of hundreds? I don't want to make a fool of myself.

Probably notch it up as a learning lesson. Another check mark on the bucket list.  And on to other opportunities begging for my attention.

On A Monday

Never a dull moment in these parts. I certainly live in interesting times.

• Liam sick this morning. Stayed home, without any electronics. Took a nap on the sofa. Him and Molly Dog snoozing on a cool Autumn Monday.
  
• A pair of drives in a RAID 5 array die, taking a bit of data with them. Of course finding the actual problem (versus the symptoms) took a while. Fixing it took even longer. You'd think the folks who get paid to work on SQL would be able to offer advice on fixing problems. You'd have thought wrong. It was pretty much a tag team shotgun fight with me & KV versus SQL & the array.
  
• Pulled my right hamstring while reaching down for a napkin. Bothered me for hours. Hoping it won't interfere with my training tomorrow. Whole bunch of hurt, just for a napkin.
  
• Cindy's neck acting up. God Willing she graduates in like 49 days.
  
• Meg officially the busiest 11yr old on Earth with music and art and theater claiming parts of her days.
  
• GH flying home from an interesting trip. AE still struggling just to make ends meet while just one paycheck from the street. AG starting a new relationship. Lightning alone. All these relationships spinning madly through the ether. Never slowing. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. Sometimes both. Sometimes neither.
  
• A project unexpectedly gains traction. Perhaps the worm has turned and my perseverance and mostly-charity-work will pay off in the long run. One way or another, I'm eager to know.
  
• Last minute reboot of the Citrix systems before I wander to bed. 

The rest is rust and stardust.