Sunday, February 13, 2011

Keep Swimming

There is a brief moment of mind-numbing panic as I hit the water. Too cold! Always too cold in those first terrible seconds. Even though I know the water is heated, I entertain fears. Every time I think: Oh, god, it isn't warm! Then my body adjusts. The water IS heated. And my panic subsides.

How long do these fears linger? Like mental ghosts. I still imagine people laughing at my paleness or the fit of my speed suit. I always think everyone critiques my swimming technique. Though nobody else is usually there, I'm still haunted. Doubting myself. My abilities. I'll do more than thirty laps in the pool, but all the while I question if I can swim a third that distance in open water.

Even when nobody offers them, I still hear these voices of doubt. Or sing them to myself. Just have to block them out. And keep swimming. Eventually, something will drown.

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