Thursday, August 09, 2012

Honey Boo Boo Is America

TLC held an enormous mirror up to the face of America last night. And in our bright national reflection we beheld: Honey Boo Boo. 

The over-weight, over-talkative, would-be pagent star from McIntyre, GA, ranted and danced her way across the screen in tonight's premeire episodes. The motto of the night: "We're not rednecks," repeated like an anthem, with most of their dialog only discernable through gratuitous use of subtitles

"We're not rednecks," Mom says while cutting up then cooking roadkill recently scraped off the street.

"We're not rednecks," says the unwed-but-pregnant oldest sister, her BabyDaddy's identity a mystery for later episodes.

"We're not rednecks," another sister, this one clad in a rebel-flag bikinni top, drunkenly hollers before belly flopping into a mud pit strategically placed at the end of the Redneck Pride march. 

And TRUE rednecks would certainly never hop their daughter up on home brewed "Go-Go Juice" (a combination of Mountain Dew & Red Bull) before she goes on stage at a pagent. They know fifteen Pixie Sticks just don't do it for her. They tried that. No go, there. So the completely non-redneck adults give Honey Boo Boo a 20oz of "Go-Go Juice" then set her loose upon the world.

Honey Boo Boo is America writ small: Slow. Cranky. Unintelligible. Sitting around the house eating "Fat Cakes." Squeeling heinously in chorus with our pet pot bellied pig (that is actually male but we dress it up like its female!) And taking long draws of Go-Go Juice just to keep us conscious enough to make it through the delerious tedium of our sweltering summer days.

Thank you, TLC. That was a refreshing little wake-up call. Now pass the roadkill jerky!

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