Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Gaseous


So. I'm working.
And I feel the most god-awful gas about to take flight.
Huge.
Potential to shit myself.
Get up. Jump next door, into the datacenter.
(It's 10 feet from me. Bathroom is like 100 feet.)
So I'm in there, and my ass goes off like the mf'ing atomic detonation at Hiroshima.
Sounded like somebody strangling a hippo.
I think it popped my spine.
It was like being shot with a tazer. I couldn't move while it was going on.
I may have been moaning, I dunno.
Like some kind of gaseous retard.
I had to lean against the wall, as if I'm being frisked, and catch my breath.

And the Network Engineer comes out from behind the telco cabinet, wide-eyed and speechless.

I just catch my breath and walk away. Slowly.

5 comments:

Ron said...

That's some funny shit Jon.

Anonymous said...

did you have to use the word retard?

Jon said...

Well, as a bit of back story, that entry came from a spontaneous instant message conversation I had with Ron. And Ron was pretty adamant that I post it exactly the way I sent the messages to him.

I thought and rethought and triple thought about using "retard." But in the heat of the moment, that was the message I sent Ron.

Maybe I'll take it out of the Title of the entry, though.

Fred @ OPC said...

I almost fell of my chair laughing at the hippo line.

Ron said...

Don't change a thing Jonny. All that'll happen is that whatever you change it to, then someone else who will wish to remain anonymous will get their panties in a bunch. It's perfect the way it is.

re·tard 1 (r-tärd)
v. re·tard·ed, re·tard·ing, re·tards
v.tr.
To cause to move or proceed slowly; delay or impede.
v.intr.
To be delayed.
n.
1. A slowing down or hindering of progress; a delay.
2. Music A slackening of tempo.