Wednesday, May 14, 2008

GAME: Ironman

What an amazingly unimaginative, cludgy piece of boring and unplayable robocrap Ironman The Game turned out to be. It has all the depth and strategic challenge of pong. It is as enjoyable as self-castration. I'd rather chew sandpaper dipped in Tabasco and chase it down with a razorwire milkshake than play this lumbering Crapasaurus Rex again.

I played the first two "levels," and nearly gnawed off my own fingers trying to escape. The game provided absolutely nothing to entertain me. The graphics wouldn't have been impressive even in the 20th century. And even something as simple as flying was impossible on a PC. (The game is obviously a direct port from a console.)

Whomever developed this steaming lump of digital feces should be sterilized so they can never reproduce and soil our world with one of their creations. I can only pray it was created at gun point, while heavily medicated. Or it is actually part of somebody's revenge upon humanity for years of mental and physical abuse at the hands of sadistic car-building robots.

Please, don't buy this game. It has all the thrill of naval lint, but leaves an even worse taste in your mouth. Supporting Ironman The Game is like paying Richard Simmons to be in charge of wardrobe. Don't do it. Just don't be "that guy."

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