Sunday, February 17, 2008

FIGHT: Tank Abbott vs Kimbo Slice

So my long lost brother-I-never-should-have-had, Ron, calls me up and asks if I'm going to watch the Kimbo Slice fight. Being something of a self-professed Kimbo-connoisseur, I was saddened to confess I didn't know he was fighting. But I said I'd do anything short of gnawing off my own sphincter to watch it! Ron, you know Ron, said if I didn't want a mouth full of fist and a butt full of lead, I'd better watch. (That's how Ron shows his love, either that or he grabs you by the back of the neck and headbutts you in the bridge of the nose.)

Since I didn't want to be spitting out my teeth, I turned to the power of TEH GOOG and discovered the fight would be carried by EliteXC. Some card called "Street Certified." An incredibly jocund title (I believe Liberace rose from the grave, pointed a flowery boa toward EliteXC, and said, "Come on, Queen, who are you trying to fool?") but my local cable provider was kind enough to make introduces in a timely manner. And I had ring side seats just in time to see Kimbo get fired up to roll with none other than Tank Abbott.

Now Tank and Ron have much in common, including choices of haircut, a god-given propensity for violence, and fists that taste like soupbones. Neither Tank nor Ron suffer fools lightly. However in Tank's case he is getting paid to fight. Ron does it just to eliminate the competition during full moons when he prowls the streets of PA looking for womens.

Anyway, the fight was short, but pleasant. Tank vs Kimbo, that is. (Ron vs Womens is like watching six cats tango in a blender, lots of blood and a few painful seconds of high-pitched shrieking.) Not sure if it was worth the price of admission, but I will say:
  • Tank tried. You can see he comes out swinging and he's visually upset when he fails to connect with a couple of monstrous uppercuts.
  • Tank's got a chin like an anvil. If I took even a glancing blow from Kimbo I'm sure I'd wake up a fortnight later thinking my name was Robin Williams and I was preparing to film the sequel to Hook.
  • Kimbo was out for blood! He was damn-near pushing the referee out of his way, like Clubber Lang trying to get a sweet piece of dough-boy Rocky (the first fight, before Apollo Creed introduced him to soulfood and taking long runs on the beach.) Relentless aggression from Kimbo! He was on Tank like ugly on an ape.
  • I wanted more! However, the fight was still grimly satisfying. Much better than many of the UFC fights (ie: Rampage Jackson vs Chuck Liddell) because at least this knockout was staggeringly apparent and it wasn't some glancing blow that was only caught from one obscure camera angle. This one was short, but glorious.
In the meanwhile, Ron has come up with a new title for Mr. Abbott: Turtle. Because of the way he balls up on the ground and tucks down his head. Turtle Abbott. Nice ring to it. I'm sure when he puts his jaw back in place and finishes collecting his check, Mr. Abbott will be combing the streets of PA for a tattoo'ed wiseguy that likes to give out clever nicknames. And maybe we can see that on EliteXC's next ticket: Fabulous Boyfights.

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