Friday, January 16, 2009

5 Other Things President Bush Protected Us From

Since many of my friends enjoy telling me about how we are all much safer from terrorism and how there were not more attacks on American soil, thanks to everything Dubya did, I thought I’d take up the gauntlet and spread the gospel about his very-much-unreported OTHER efforts. No, not immigration reform or encouraging economic stability! Important stuff that REALLY mattered to you, me, and Him.

5 Other Things President Bush Protected Us From:

1. Robot Invasion – None of those socialist, anti-freedom robots dared to rise up during Bush’s eight year administration and enslave humanity. Skynet? Nope. HAL? Nope. The Matrix? Hell, no! None of them had the metal cohunes to even try it.

2. Meteor Invasion – That intern-loving Billy Bob Clinton had not one, but TWO such invasions during his administration, as documented in Deep Impact and Armageddon. During the Bush Years, no rocky or metallic extra-solar terrorists were able to enter our country or reduce our cities to molten ruin. Bush had a hard stance on meteors and often crossed swords with NATO and the UN to combat the evil objects directly. Asteroids and comets also found themselves stopped at the US border, unable to make entry and act on their vile twisted anti-American philosophies. Bush proved that they could not take our freedoms from us while he was at the helm.

3. Global Cooling – In the 1970s, Presidents Nixon, Ford, and Carter all had to battle Global Cooling. In the 21st Century, President Bush single handedly put the final nail in the coffin of Global Cooling. Sure, the Kyoto Protocols got in the way for a while. But nobody is talking about Global Cooling anymore, are they? Two words for the haters: Global Warming? Mission Accomplished!

4. Black Hole –Few people know, but it was actually George W Bush’s idea to shut down the Superconducting Super Collider in Texas. Billy Boy Clinton just pulled the trigger on the idea. President Bush decidedly made sure Americans didn’t have to suffer the indignity of being sucked into a black hole during his tenure! Now everyone in Texas knows, “Give an egghead a super collider once, he’ll shame you with a black hole that eats its way to the center of Texas. Give an egghead a super collider twice and…. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again!” So there weren’t no high dollar, ground breaking scientific work done in the United States during the Bush Administration. Sure, those geeks in Geneva built that fancy Large Hadron Collider, but their black hole will only devour Switzerland (and hopefully France!) Not Texas or America or any place on Earth.

5. Terrorist Volcanoes – Anyone remember Pompeii? How about Krakatoa? No? That’s because those countries were killed by terrorist volcanoes! Well, not on George W Bush’s watch. No, sir! Not one single American fell to these rocky enemies of freedom. He wasn’t going to let any rivers of magma or pyroclastic surges sweep across this great nation while there was blood flowing through his veins. And for eight long years, every morning he woke up to read about the volcanic activity taking place across the Earth. But not in America! People may not have agreed with his tough, preventive stance on volcanoes. But he stayed the course. And the magma surge did not work. Sure, there are unconfirmed rumors and wild speculation about Volcanoes Of Mass Destruction underneath Yellowstone National Park. But President Bush served his time and those speculators about super volcanoes will have to take it up with President Barrack Obama and Fred Flintstone.

6. Clone Wars – This one wasn’t well publicized, so it didn’t make the Top Five. But thankfully Bush had high quality intelligence reports brought to him by his long time friend and ally: democratically elected Queen of Naboo: Padmé Amidala. Forewarned about the 2002 attack of the clones, Bush immediately put a stop to any and all funding for rouge stem cell research. And thus prevented a clone uprising. Unfortunately the Left Wing Media spun it into a Movie Of The Week or something and everyone thinks it is fictional. But at the end of the day, America if free and cloneless thanks to President George W Bush’s commitment and strong convictions.

I'd like to personally thank George W Bush, and his family for their time and efforts on my behalf these past eight years. I'm much safer than I ever would have guessed I'd be. And I owe it all to you.
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