Thursday, January 08, 2009

MOVIE: Fantastic Four - Rise Of The Silver Surfer

There are few movies that really make me ache down at the cellular level. Fantastic Four - Rise Of The Silver Surfer is at the top of that very short list. It was completely and utterly useless on any level measurable by man. Worst story in years, possibly worse than Elektra, which is like comparing a post-Indian food bowel movement to a post-tequila-binge bowel movement. I think I actually developed sepsis by watching it.

The story is revolting. The "heroes" spend more time dealing with a poorly conceived wedding than they did with the survival of the Earth. And not only are the writers ignorant enough to think comic book fans want to see as few villains as possible, but they were too busy snorting Mexican laughing dust off a hooker's rump to even introduce a NEW villain. They actually deus ex machina'ed Doctor Doom (the old villain) into this new flick. And these same "writers" were too busy huffing Nubian rhino fumes to be bothered to draft up a decent depiction of Galactus. Here's a clue, junkies: He's purple and wears a bad hat. So instead of giving us a modern interpretation of the ultimate Intergalactic bad dude, we get to see Galactus as a CGI burning bush. Weak like dish water.

Bad acting. Bad writing. Bad dialog. Horrible ending. If Moses had summoned a twelfth plague upon Pharaoh's Egypt, it would have been The Plague Of Fantastic Four DVDs. In Blue Ray! Seeing it on a first date will guarantee the impossibility of a second date. It will make children cry.

I think the movie gave me cancer.

This movie is not worth being paid to watch it, let alone paying to rent it.

Avoid it. Unless you like cancer.
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